I’m sorry for your loss. I say loss even though your wife is still very much alive. While the literature refers to this period as “anticipatory grief”; truth is, you are currently grieving of what was and the plans you had.
This grief is one of many emotions contributing to your sadness. For example, exhaustion from caregiving, frustration with the healthcare system, changing treatment directions, navigating medical appointments, assuming all household chores that were once shared, decreasing conversations, being responsible for organizing visits – once the social calendar was your wife’s responsibility. Adjusting to the ever-changing appetite and what can be digested; ever-decreasing mobility issues and increasing needs for physical assistance and care. Many times, you haven’t had to adjust to all the above yet, but you see it coming, and it’s contributing to your exhaustion and sadness.
You now live in a sadder home; curtains may be drawn due to the impact of the light on your wife’s eyes or negative interactions with medications. The TV may be turned down to the point where you can’t really hear due to your wife’s headaches. The phone may have stopped ringing as most calls were for your wife. Your bedroom may no longer be for both of you, or the dresser’s perfume and lotion bottles have now been replaced by various prescription bottles. All to say, your physical environment may have changed too, contributing to your emotions.
Even your once rambunctious dogs are quiet. They no longer beg you to play or go for walks. Now they spend most of their days curled up next to your wife. This is appreciated by you both, but nevertheless, it’s yet another change that contributes to the change in your environment.
Your wife may have been the funny one of the two of you or maybe she was the one always who laughed at your jokes. Your frequent conversations and running commentary on what’s on TV may have been replaced by silence or the sound of her gentle snoring.
All this to say – you are sad, and it’s normal to be! Anyone in your situation would be. Don’t beat yourself over it, and don’t try to run from it – it will only chase you. You know how to do this – you’ve experienced small and medium-sized losses all throughout your life! Small losses like the end of a vacation, the end of university years, selling your favorite car. You also navigated medium-sized losses, job loss, selling a home, pets dying, or parents dying. Most often, losses that are out of our control have a greater impact on us.
This time around, it may feel worse. You may not know how you’re going to do it all. You may not feel like your sadness will never go away. There are things that you can do to help.
1. Acknowledge your feelings for what they are. Give them a name and a shape; for example, it’s the "grief cloud" or whatever. This will help you see it as something apart from you and not necessarily who you have become and who you will forever remain.
2. If you feel like you’re going crazy, tell yourself that everyone has a little crazy in them, and that given the right circumstances, it will come out. Seek a group of peers or a professional. I worked with two professionals in the last 10 months of my husband’s life. One helped me process my current feelings, and the other allowed me to envision my life once my husband passed. After being a caregiver for 10 years and knowing I would be a widow at 48, I knew there would be more life afterwards. I needed a safe place and permission to allow myself to see my life as a widow.
3. You need to take care of yourself. Your wife can no longer do the little things that made your life better and more balanced. You now need to reach out and spend time with some friends or at least agree to see them when they call. Where you once ate together, you now need to eat by yourself and find the energy to put some nutritious food on your plate.
4. Ask for help. There is no shortage of people that want to help. They may not know how. You may not know what to ask for. Start small, keep a list of what your wife typically did around the home (e.g., meal planning, cooking, laundry, gardening, assembling furniture); keep the list on the fridge, and when someone calls and offers, don’t be selfish and keep all those chores for yourself. Share the load with others so that they too can feel good for helping. While a load of laundry may seem like more of an inconvenience to ask, it’s one less thing that you need to do. These things add up and contribute to your fatigue and feelings of isolation.
5. Take time away. It’s okay to take a day or an overnight and leave your spouse in the capable hands of others. Will they do as good a job as you? Probably not. Will they keep her safe, clean, and comfortable? Yes. Will she miss you? Most likely. This break will do wonders for everyone involved. Remember, that the casket is only big enough for one, and this is her turn. Yours turn will come.
This is a sad time in your life. Reach out for a free conversation with someone who will understand. You’d be surprised how much better you feel knowing that there is someone you can text or speak to that won’t judge your mixed emotions.
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